The things you took for granted
Assalamualaikum,
It has been a while since I last blogged. A lot of things had happened, and I am pretty sure I am not destined to experience a little bit of happiness. How I wish I could go back to the time when I look up to the sky and felt content with I had ; a family. Notice the word ; had.
Things are rough for me now, suicidal thoughts keep occupying my mind till I am absolutely scared that I might take my own life.
Things had turned way more fucked than I imagined it to be. I feel empty, I feel completely betrayed by my own family. I choose to not believe in the constitution of family again, I choose to not believe in love, in happiness. I can only trust myself and rely on myself.
I hate that the privilege of having a loving family is not for me. How am I supposed to be okay when my own family doesn't want me. How could I be normal after witnessing so many fucked up things. How do you expect me to be okay when there is nothing else for me in this world.
I used to be so full of life, now I cry way more than breathing. The thing about me, I am bad at showing my emotions face to face. People thought that I am okay cause I am always smiling but deep down, all I want to do is to curl up and cry.
I am tired of living, I am tired of choosing sides, I am tired of hoping that things could be better one day.
It has been 6 years and things are still bad, maybe I am not meant for any sort of happiness. I envy those who have the privilege to be happy over petty things ; partner, pets. You don't realize how lucky you are. Sometimes I wonder if I had a happy family, maybe I won't be this messed up. Maybe I'll have normal and happy thoughts like other people. Maybe I won't overthink too much and won't be as weird. Maybe I won't be as depressed and alone. Maybe someone would actually like me the way I am.
Now I distance myself from some people cause I know they won't understand why I act this way. I give up on trying to make people see things the way I do. I don't blame them anyway.
Most of the times it hurts way too much, I keep begging for Allah SWT to take my life.
It has been a while since I last blogged. A lot of things had happened, and I am pretty sure I am not destined to experience a little bit of happiness. How I wish I could go back to the time when I look up to the sky and felt content with I had ; a family. Notice the word ; had.
Things are rough for me now, suicidal thoughts keep occupying my mind till I am absolutely scared that I might take my own life.
Things had turned way more fucked than I imagined it to be. I feel empty, I feel completely betrayed by my own family. I choose to not believe in the constitution of family again, I choose to not believe in love, in happiness. I can only trust myself and rely on myself.
I hate that the privilege of having a loving family is not for me. How am I supposed to be okay when my own family doesn't want me. How could I be normal after witnessing so many fucked up things. How do you expect me to be okay when there is nothing else for me in this world.
I used to be so full of life, now I cry way more than breathing. The thing about me, I am bad at showing my emotions face to face. People thought that I am okay cause I am always smiling but deep down, all I want to do is to curl up and cry.
I am tired of living, I am tired of choosing sides, I am tired of hoping that things could be better one day.
It has been 6 years and things are still bad, maybe I am not meant for any sort of happiness. I envy those who have the privilege to be happy over petty things ; partner, pets. You don't realize how lucky you are. Sometimes I wonder if I had a happy family, maybe I won't be this messed up. Maybe I'll have normal and happy thoughts like other people. Maybe I won't overthink too much and won't be as weird. Maybe I won't be as depressed and alone. Maybe someone would actually like me the way I am.
Now I distance myself from some people cause I know they won't understand why I act this way. I give up on trying to make people see things the way I do. I don't blame them anyway.
Most of the times it hurts way too much, I keep begging for Allah SWT to take my life.
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